I sat there in the restaurant an arm’s length from their breakfast table watching the entire encounter transpire.

I was encouraged. I was appalled.

One got it. One didn’t.

Randy Carlyle got it. The other former Winnipeg Jet – who shall remain nameless – didn’t get it.

The Jets were catching an early morning flight out to their next game. Randy and “Rude” were enjoying a quiet breakfast together when a fan approached their table. The man, who was from northern Manitoba, interrupted their meal, asked a few questions about the team and tried to interact with these players as any passionate fan would.

Randy was a gracious ambassador for the team and responded very politely to the man, even though you could tell that he really didn’t want to have to interact with fans at this particular time. He understood that being available to fans is part of the job when you are an NHL player. “Rude” on the other hand, was just that: he actually turned his back to the man and ignored him. He didn’t say a word to him.   At the time he was a star player on the team and was the focus of this fan’s attention.

Randy saved the day and redeemed the encounter by being friendly, gracious and ambassadorial.

The fan left. Then “Rude” left while Randy picked up the check. I went over to Randy, commented on my observations and congratulated him on being a good ambassador for the hockey club.

What a contrast in how to deal with people. What a contrast in leadership.

Randy knew how to endear people, while the star player merely endured people.

Do you endure people, or do you endear people?

People who endear themselves to others choose to be gracious, kind, patient, respectful, empathetic and show genuine interest in people.   This is only possible because they have also chosen humility. They recognize the value of others. They recognize that they are not somehow inherently more important because of their stature, status, position or power. They recognize that everyone is significant and is able to contribute in some fashion.

Those who merely endure others have not recognized that everyone has value and worth. They believe that somehow in some way they are more significant or important than others and use their position and their power to get people to do what they want. The basis of this is selfishness and arrogance.

Good leaders, and good people, recognize that everyone has value no matter who they are or what role they may have in the organization. They choose to be gracious, kind, patient, respectful and empathetic toward everyone regardless of their position or status. And, they show genuine interest in other people – they listen and they ask questions.

Arrogant leaders, and arrogant people, simply endure and ignore other people or use them to get what they want. They may be able to turn on the charm, but ultimately it is for the purpose of getting what they want.

Wholehearted leaders endear themselves to others because they show genuine interest in other people. They believe that everyone has value and worth and somehow contributes to the corporate good. That doesn’t mean that they don’t know how to hold people accountable to a higher standard and motivate people to accomplish and achieve more. These leaders are more powerful leaders because the people they lead are engaged at a heart level. They feel a genuine connection to their leader because they know their leader cares about them.

Arrogant, self-centered leaders who merely endure and use people are very weak leaders; they only have influence because of their position and authority. Ultimately their leadership fails.

The choice is ours to make: will we choose humility, empathy, respect and genuine interest in people, and thereby endear ourselves to others? Or, will we choose to be self-centered and arrogant, and thereby simply endure others?

Good leaders endear themselves to people – not as the intended goal, but as the inevitable result of leading and living for the benefit of others. And their lives and their leadership are richer for it.