Over 3 decades ago my wife and I were given great counsel as newlyweds:

“Define your Rules of Engagement.”

In any marriage, conflict is inevitable. In fact, in any significant relationship of depth conflict is bound to occur.   Whenever 2 human beings are involved you will at some point in time have 2 distinct perspectives, 2 unique opinions. Sure, you may agree on many things, but you will never agree on everything.

So, in the event you disagree on something, which could be described as conflicting perspectives, opinions, feeling, interpretations, expectations and the like, you need to have an agreed upon process to work through the disagreement. We were counseled to agree upon predetermined rules that would govern the inevitable disagreements that would arise in our marriage. We called these our Rules of Engagement.

When in conflict I had a tendency to self-justify and prove that I was indeed right. And, of course, my wife was wrong because she disagreed with me. I wanted to settled things now. And I always talked first. My wife on the other hand, needed time to think through things. She also had a tendency to withdraw and not say what needed to be said. She would bury things and not deal with them.

So, here were our simple rules:

We each had to have the humility to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. We were both well acquainted with what we referred to as ‘the 10 most difficult words’: “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Would you please forgive me?”

So what does this have to do with leadership?

Recently I heard an international business consultant say that when he is assessing the health of any organization he does not look at their financials, or any other typical indicators. No, he looks at their leadership team’s ability to work through conflict.

Healthy leadership teams have healthy conflict because there are multiple perspectives represented around the boardroom table. You are bound to have disagreements when you put a diverse group of leaders together representing different departments in a company.

Unhealthy leadership teams have no conflict, or they have poisonous conflict devoid of respect. Either the group is afraid to disagree because there is a domineering command and control leader. Or, they have poisonous conflict without any humility, respect, empathy, grace and love toward each other – which is permitted to continue because of weak leadership.

Healthy conflict in an organization occurs when there are 3 important factors in place: 1. A mature, secure (not insecure) leader who encourages differing perspectives and has created a safe and structured environment for working through differences. 2. Agreed upon Rules of Engagement for the team. 3. A culture of mutual respect, humility, grace, care and forgiveness is instilled, encouraged and modeled.

Conflict need not be negative. When conflict is engaged in within clearly defined and agreed upon Rules of Engagement which are modeled and monitored by the leader, the conflict is a positive experience which serves to propel the organization forward into new realms of growth.

So, how would you rate your team’s ability to work through conflict? Do you have Rules of Engagement? Good leadership encourages healthy conflict around the boardroom table by establishing Rules of Engagement for the team to function within.

Organizations with Rules of Engagement are healthier and far happier than those that don’t.